125: Why You Can’t Stay Hard: Porn, Performance Anxiety & Rewiring Your Brain | Reclaim Confidence, Sexual Presence, and Real Intimacy

"Why can’t I stay hard?"

It’s one of the most painful, confusing, and silent questions men carry — and one that too many men are afraid to ask out loud.

If you’ve ever lost your erection during sex, if you’ve ever felt performance anxiety take over your body, if you can get aroused with porn but struggle with a real partner, or if you’ve wondered whether porn addiction has rewired your brain and damaged your ability to connect —

This episode is for you.

In today’s conversation, I sit down with Shay Doran, a men’s coach who specializes in helping men overcome erectile dysfunction, sexual performance anxiety, and porn-related arousal issues. Shay has lived this struggle himself — and now helps men all over the world rebuild confidence, presence, and intimacy from the inside out.

This is not a surface-level conversation.

We go deep into the psychology of performance anxiety, the neuroscience of arousal, and the emotional patterns that keep men stuck in shame, overthinking, and disconnection.

We talk about why erectile dysfunction in young men is becoming more common, why pills often fail to fix the real problem, and how porn conditioning quietly trains the brain away from real intimacy.

But most importantly, we talk about how to heal.

We talk honestly about masculinity, self-esteem, and how many men use porn as a way to prove to themselves that they’re “still okay” — even while it slowly deepens the disconnection they’re trying to escape.

If you’ve ever thought, “What’s wrong with me?”, if you’ve felt broken, ashamed, or afraid, this issue will ruin your relationship, and if you want real answers instead of generic advice 

This episode will meet you right where you are.

You’re not broken, your body isn’t failing you, and this struggle doesn’t define your worth as a man.

It’s a signal — and it can be healed.

Check out Shay's Youtube at: https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran
Interested in taking Shays Performance Anxiety Quiz? : https://shay-doran.com/free-quiz/

If you’re looking for deeper support and real connection in recovery, I’m opening the No More Desire Brotherhood on January 15th. The pre-launch is open right now, and when you join you’ll get free lifetime access to my 4 Pillars of Recovery mini-course, plus exclusive pre-launch bonuses. You can learn more and join here: https://www.nomoredesire.com/prelaunch

Grab my Free eBook and Free Workshop for more strategies to overcome porn addiction, rewire your brain, and rebuild your life.

Transcript

Jake Kastleman (00:01.054)
Brothers, welcome to the show. So awesome to be here. I have Shay Duran on today. Shay, welcome,

Shay Doran (00:08.59)
Thank you very much for having me, Jake.

Jake Kastleman (00:10.524)
Yeah, it's a total joy and so awesome. know, what we're talking about today, I think is going to be extremely important for a lot of men all over. I know it was important for me. And if I would have had someone come on an episode and talk about it, it would have brought so much relief to me. And it's just something that most of us don't even talk about. it's yeah, I think it's gonna be great, man. Most guys feel totally alone when experiencing erectile dysfunction issues.

and performance anxiety. Okay, what do you wish men knew about how common this really is and what, talk a bit about your own story and what you learned through that.

Shay Doran (00:56.91)
We're going straight in. There's the topic revealed. Hey, erection problems, performance anxiety. Yeah, that's exactly what we're going to be talking through today. So, all right, let me gather my thoughts that what I wish men knew. So of course, as you said, as we've spoken about, I have been through this myself.

Jake Kastleman (00:59.314)
There it is, man, I know.

Shay Doran (01:15.34)
both erection problems and performance anxiety. And for a long time, I did not want to say anything about it at all. I wanted to keep it a secret. I wanted to be able to figure it all out for myself. And that strategy didn't work. I tried that for many years and eventually it came to the point where I had to accept, okay, this isn't getting any better in my life.

The thing that you said there around what do I wish men knew? Well, it's very common. It's not something we speak about often as men, right? It's the elephant in the room. We don't speak to our friends about it down at the pub or in the bar or wherever. And there's a sense of shame and vulnerability, but...

So the first thing is I wish people knew it was more common. Statistically around 30 to 40 % of men experience erection problems in their life. I think all of us do at some point, but some of us experience either erection problems, performance anxiety for a prolonged period of time, which is what we're focusing on today. So I wish you guys knew that, that they're not alone. And also that by hiding it, when we hide it, it keeps a sense of shame.

which adds to the pressure, it stacks the pressure, so it ultimately makes the whole situation worse because we're increasing the amount of stress and pressure around it by hiding it.

Jake Kastleman (02:42.942)
And that was me, man. That was my story as well. For me, it was a struggle dealing with, as someone who struggled with a pornography addiction for years, I had no clue at the time that that was connected with P.I.E.D., right? Porn-induced erectile dysfunction. That was something that nobody had told me about. And so, you know, as a guy, I just felt like, okay, something's wrong with me, or I guess, you know, I...

like an old man. So it was awkward. was strange. Who could I ever tell about that? I was in my senior year of high school when I recognized that. was an incredibly vulnerable time in general, let alone dealing with that. And so I was curious for you, Shay, you've lived through this personally, right? What was kind of that emotional toll of losing

Shay Doran (03:13.539)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (03:41.98)
erections and performance anxiety. And again, I know, you know, we dove straight in here, but there's so many guys dealing with this, right? I think it deserves kind of that transparency, honestly. So.

Shay Doran (03:54.401)
just getting to the point yeah talking about it rather than pretending it's something else yeah okay so how was i feeling some of the emotions a lot of anger and i

In general, I'm not really so much of an angry guy. So this was a very unusual type of emotion for me. I was feeling very angry and frustrated. I felt like my life wasn't on track for where I knew it could be. I felt like I wasn't meeting my potential that I had. I wasn't fulfilling this inner potential that I felt that I had. I felt confused.

My self-esteem was through the floor, which I had no idea about for many years. I, you know, on paper, I had a good life. I had my shit together. I had a successful career before what, before what I'm doing now is in banking for 15 years, banking and consulting. So on paper, I had a successful career, a nice house, a nice car, stable relationship, all of those things. But underneath, I did not actually realize how

destroyed for want of a better word my self-esteem was where it was crumbling and I felt like I wasn't able to be myself I felt like I had this internal part of me that saw this higher potential but I just felt like I wasn't there and I felt angry about this and annoyed and confused

Jake Kastleman (05:23.886)
And Shay, you live in this every day as far as helping men with this all over the world. Can you, I think there's a lot of people probably that are like, okay, well, was this all about erectile dysfunction issues? And can you talk more about kind of how, what your approach is to something like this? As far as that it's not specifically all centered in on that, right? You were dealing with a lot of things at the time that played into these issues of performance, anxiety, erectile dysfunction.

Shay Doran (05:51.992)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (05:53.655)
so talk, talk a little bit more about that, about what you were going through at the time, in multiple areas of your life.

Shay Doran (06:02.382)
Cool. Yeah, so that's a good point to frame this when we're saying performance anxiety, what does that mean? It means either we're experiencing it through a sexual lens, sexual performance anxiety, they're experiencing some kind of erection challenges for prolonged period of time.

Or it could be climax challenges. So whether that's premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, those three things can feed into performance anxiety when it's a mindset challenge. So for me, what was going on, because it didn't start as erection challenges, that was something that came later. It started with a really bad relationship with porn, developing a bad relationship with porn, a really bad relationship with hookups and having no idea that

I was actually using sex as a way to try and get validation over many years to feel like, I didn't have other parts of my life together, then at least this part of my life I could do well. And I just didn't realize the trap that I'd got myself into. And then of course it creates a, its own, whether we call it an addiction cycle or whatever word we want to give it this craving of needing more and more and more.

And these were the things that fueled the fire that then eventually that led on to erection challenges, performance anxiety. yeah, it was in.

different aspects of my life that this was showing up. But it started with my relationship to porn and sex.

Jake Kastleman (07:38.386)
And I think that's, it's so key, you know, pornography really is this place where we can go where there's no risk of rejection. There's, can feel as far as in a fantasy kind of sense, totally validated, totally accepted, totally loved, right. as far as to our unconscious mind, our emotional mind, it can really feel like the validation that we need in the moment. And then I come out of that funnel.

Shay Doran (07:46.381)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (08:08.088)
afterwards and I feel more alone and more isolated than ever. Right? So an unconscious part of my mind continuously seeking to try to bring me the validation, the acceptance, you know, this connection with women that I'm wanting and never really experiencing that. Right? Is that, would you say that's true for with, with what you were experiencing during those years?

Shay Doran (08:30.551)
Yeah, there's a feeling of emptiness, right? Even for the guys that may be coming into this from different points, know, the men that I speak with is this feeling of...

wanting to, either needing more, whether that's porn or sex or needing to perform better at work, needing to perform better when we're younger in sports or whatever the area may be, it's a very similar type of feeling. Like we need to do more and more, but there's still this feeling of emptiness that we're not being true to ourself or that in some way we're missing a key part of ourself. Something feels like it's not right.

Jake Kastleman (09:11.698)
Yeah, this perfectionism that we go through, right, is one of the words that I use to describe it a lot and all or nothing thinking and, you know, always feeling like I'm comparing myself to other people. I think one of the keys, you know, that I've, yeah, yeah, right, right. And I think for myself included, you know, one of the things that

Shay Doran (09:21.006)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (09:27.745)
Including on porn as well, right comparing ourselves to other people in real life and on porn. Yep

Jake Kastleman (09:40.636)
I had to work on and I've had to continue working on throughout my life is really this sense of who do I want to be as a man? How do I want to show up as a man? And feeling that stability and that sense of joy in who I am rather than seeking outward sources to feel validated, to feel accepted. I wanna work to accept me for who I am.

And I think that gets confusing a lot in our culture too. think there's definitely a wrong way to approach that where it's like, just be who you are and like, and don't change a single thing or, just, be true to yourself, totally give up, you know, any kind of sense of improvement and just everyone should accept me exactly for who I am, which is not, I think that's very different from digging into our core of like, who am I and who do I really want to be? Right. Yeah.

Shay Doran (10:16.503)
Yeah, be true to yourself.

Shay Doran (10:27.417)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (10:35.511)
I agree. Yeah, I believe that we have to learn who we are. And that's an ever changing thing anyway. It's who we yes, it's who we want to be. And ultimately, because that can seem even very, that seems very broad as it is, but it's what are the values that I

Jake Kastleman (10:43.422)
That's right.

Shay Doran (10:52.655)
that I want to live by? Am I somebody that wants to, for example, with my partner, I want to be able to be romantic, I want to be playful with them, I want to, you know, it is different for different domains of our life. What we would answer to that question in a romantic lens is different to what we'd answer in a business lens, different to what we'd answer in a, who I am as an individual. But yes, I agree, it's important that we...

ask those questions to ourselves so that we can, it's almost like a starting point, right? To figure out, okay, who is it that I want to be in this area of my life? And what's going on right now where I feel far away from that?

Jake Kastleman (11:32.51)
And I think what you said brings up a question of curiosity for me, which is a lot of men, myself included, have felt, I think in getting married, there's this sense that kind of romance dies to some degree, right? And me being romantic and really pursuing that kind of being suave and things like that and feeling like we can do that.

What do you think that is that's caused a lot of that romantic death for a lot of men where they don't feel like they can show up in that way? Because there's a lot of nervousness and this sense of needing to perform and they just give up on it altogether. What would you say to a guy who's gone through something like that?

Shay Doran (12:18.639)
Well, usually, you know, if we're talking about performance anxiety, then usually there's been some experiences that haven't gone to plan. So either we've lost the erection or we've struggled to get hard in the first place or climax too soon or we haven't climaxed at all. So there's been some kind of genuine experience that has made us start to think about that, planted a seed in our mind of, what if that happens again? What if I lose erection next time? what if I can't satisfy my partner? So there's generally something that happens that makes us start

about that. But in a broader sense, yes, in a relationship in general, after we've been with somebody for some time, of course the novelty wears off and it's something that we have to actively work at keeping desire alive. I often talk about containers of where intimacy thrives and where it dies and the types of places where intimacy dies is where there's low emotional vulnerability.

We don't really talk about sex, intimacy openly, desires, et cetera, where it's very status quo and it's just the routine. And when erection challenges or performance anxiety is happening, not all the time, but a lot of the time, this will be the kind of container that the relationship is in, in a erotic sense, right? There's low emotional vulnerability, there's low...

safety because perhaps the partner has reacted and said something. You know, the amount of guys that I've spoken to in their partner's had a negative reaction to their performance anxiety or erection challenges. And it can be really difficult to get that out of our head and to know how to, how do we work through that? And it can just play into a loop that continues to make the same thing happen over and over again.

So coming back to the question of why does intimacy feel like it dies off? Well, one, because the novelty, even if there was no erection challenges or performance anxiety, it's still going to feel like the novelty we once had isn't there. So we have to actively work at that, but we have to know how to do it, which nobody usually teaches us. And secondly, there's usually experiences that don't go to plan when we're talking about performance anxiety or erection challenges.

Jake Kastleman (14:34.846)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (14:34.967)
which makes us get into this loop of overthinking, feeling stuck in our head.

Jake Kastleman (14:40.67)
That's very good. That's very good. And you're kind of addressing the answer to this question, man, but let's get kind of right to that core question of why do we lose our erections? What are the actual mechanisms, psychological, biological, stress-related, porn-related that you see in the men that you work with?

Shay Doran (15:01.871)
Okay, so it's important we look at this, I often refer to it as the two M's, medical and mindset. So there's either something medical going on or there's something related to our mindset going on. It's always really important that we get that medical box ticked first of all so that we know nothing.

and toward is happening there. So that means going to the doctor, getting some bloods done, testosterone levels checked, et cetera, to make sure we're healthy and we're in a good place. Right, most of the time we are, it's just important that we do that first. What I believe for most guys that are experiencing erection or ejaculation issues is it's mindset. So how that comes about.

is from my experience, usually a stacking of events. One of those that we've just spoken about is genuine experiences that don't go to plan, whether that has been recently or whether it has just felt like intimacy has never really gone to plan since college or whatever age.

that we first started being intimate. So that's one event, this stacking or one level of the stacking experiences that I haven't gone to plan. Second is then our childhood, which most of the time we think, no, I'm fine. It wasn't too difficult. My childhood didn't really, especially as guys I see, often think this, I don't need to do any work on my childhood. Everything's okay. There wasn't really anything there that influenced it.

And it's not that we have to spend weeks and months and years unpicking everything from our childhood. No, but it's important to understand that performance anxiety or thoughts of self doubt don't randomly start when we're an adult. The seeds are planted at a much younger age. So whether that looks something like...

Shay Doran (16:52.686)
we wanted to be better in sport than we were, or we felt like there was a sense of pressure to be better in sport or music or academics, comparison to our siblings, comparison to other kids. If it felt like we would try our best, but it was never good enough, or we were only really feeling loved or rewarded when we got the good grades or when we did the thing that our parents liked. And so we start to ask ourselves these questions of, what if I'm not good enough?

or we don't perform in the top level that we could do in academics or in sport and our parents say to us, you know, you could do better than that. Or they're just focused on the result, getting a better result. So we start to ask ourselves these questions. What if it goes bad again? What if the same thing happens next time? What if I can't satisfy different contexts, but same thought? What if I can't satisfy my caregiver, parent?

What if I don't receive their love? And so we ask ourselves very, notice how it's very similar set of questions, but now in our adult life and it's with our partner, what if I can't satisfy them? What if I'm not enough? What if it happens again? So it's important that we understand where those thoughts started and resolve that, which doesn't take much work, but it's just the courage to actually look at it rather than think it's nothing to do with it.

Okay, so we've got the first two. So one is experiences that don't go to plan. Second is then the childhood, something from childhood, thoughts from childhood. The third and the final stacking of events is then there's been some kind of tipping point in our life, right? So whether that is many of the guys that I work with either are successful in their career or they have their own business and there's been a sense of pressure. There's been some type of situation, whether it was a

a difficult moment with the business or something at work that didn't go to plan or even pressure in the relationship. But there's been some kind of tipping point that has all of a sudden now bought anxiety into the bedroom.

Shay Doran (19:00.76)
it's been carried over into the bedroom. So we had it in other areas of our life showing up, but it never really impacted us. And now suddenly, or for some guys, it's been right from the very start of being sexual, but for many guys, it's suddenly, it's now showing up in this area of our life. And then we think, what? I'm broken. Something's wrong with me.

Jake Kastleman (19:18.91)
And what you're saying, Shane, in so many ways is really profound. goes right along with things that I've been researching, working on clients about writing lessons about recently, especially, which is to work on the processing of sexual fantasies with men and how that is related here is sexuality is so symbolic in so many ways, right? It's symbolic of other things that are happening in our lives or have happened in our lives.

where I felt inadequate, I felt shame, I felt fear, I felt like I wasn't enough. That comes up all the time in all sorts of areas of our lives, right? And then that translates into our sexuality and what happens in the bedroom. What happens in the bedroom is symbolic of what's happening in an overall relationship. And what's happening in that overall relationship is symbolic of what's happening inside of me, right? And throughout my life.

So it's far more complex than, yeah, you're not getting hard, right? That's not what it's about, ultimately. It's about a much broader picture.

Shay Doran (20:21.871)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (20:27.758)
Yeah, I agree. when we say, you know, complex is, I think as guys, there can be a...

It feels, it always feels like this is going to be more difficult to work on than it actually is. The reality is change can be fairly simple when we know what set of tools we need to be using or what are the shifts that we need to be making. When we're stuck behind the comfort of a phone or a screen researching for hours, endless videos, articles on how to fix this, what to do, what's going on.

It's all very generic and so the thought of going deeper or having to speak to somebody about it feels more challenging because what we're doing right now, we're not getting the results that we want. So naturally our brain thinks, well, if I have to do something even more vulnerable, like have a conversation with someone about it, that's going to be even more difficult than what I'm already doing that's not working.

But the reality is when we speak to the right person who has been through this and who has the tools, whether it's porn issues, erection issues, whatever the area of life is that we want to work on. When we speak to the right person, the process of getting to the result does not have to be complex and difficult and go on for years and years. Definitely not.

Jake Kastleman (21:47.048)
good. I like that. I like that. when it comes to how porn is connected to this, a lot of men wonder, how do I know if porn is affecting my erections? Is it connected to this? What signs do you see? And when is it connected versus when is it not?

Shay Doran (22:07.342)
Yes, I like this question because I remember when I used to do self tests of experience interaction challenges and then saying to myself, well, I'll just watch some porn. And if I can get hard to that, then I know that I don't have a problem. Right. This is literally the thoughts that went through my mind. And so if this feels relatable, if you're watching this, feels relatable then

Jake Kastleman (22:26.238)
Mmm.

Shay Doran (22:31.318)
If that is a thought that's also going through your mind, if there's these self tests that are happening and porn is one of the ways that we can do that, checking our morning erections is another way that I did. That's one indicator that we're using it as opposed to, you know, having a healthy.

I'm not sure that there is, but a healthy relationship with porn. Maybe there's such thing as a healthier relationship with porn. So this self-test. The other thing I would say is to check it in real time. What do you think about for anybody watching this? Okay, if I was to self-pleasure, masturbate without watching adult content, without watching porn, does that still feel exciting, fun, aroused or...

or do I feel like that's gonna be boring? Is it gonna feel a bit flat? Or I may not even get hard or I'll struggle to get hard. If the answer is yes to some of those things that yes, I'll probably struggle to get hard or yes, things would feel a bit more boring or flat, porn is definitely not helping.

Jake Kastleman (23:39.004)
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's it. I think that's a call. And, on, that topic, Shay, you know, why can a man climax with porn, but struggle with the climax with a partner? It kind of, how does, talk a bit about porn conditioning. How does it shape a man's expectations or his arousal patterns or the body's ability to be actually present with a real partner?

Shay Doran (23:56.368)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (24:02.425)
Yeah. Well, unfortunately for most of us porn is our sex education, which, you know, is not great. because, right, all we're seeing is men who are ready to go, usually with, you know, pretty big dicks because they have, it's a, it's a role that they are being cast for.

Jake Kastleman (24:08.51)
Yeah, right. It was for me too, yeah.

Shay Doran (24:26.691)
and not just the dicks, to think about their bodies as well, like muscular, usually, not all the time, but, and we never see a guy going soft, important, that doesn't happen. Right, so there's these physical comparisons that when that's compounded over months and years and years and years, and that's what we see, we think, that's the standard to be able to satisfy the person in this way.

Jake Kastleman (24:37.202)
Right, right.

Shay Doran (24:52.365)
it looks like this is what we're saying to our brain. The other part is exactly what you said earlier on about comfort. It's much safer to be behind a screen with nobody else in the room watching porn. We can watch whatever we want to. Nobody's going to say, no, we're not going to get rejected. Nobody's going to judge us. We don't have to answer our, why am I going soft to anybody? These things don't exist.

And that's not even talking about the dopamine, right? The levels of dopamine, the supernatural, unnatural levels of dopamine that are released in our body or in our brain when we're watching adult content. So those things combined over time, we're wiring our minds to think, this is how I respond to pleasure. I need X in order to achieve an erection or climax, as in I need this kind of porn and a real life.

sex, we're just not, over time, we're not able to match that. A partner, doesn't matter how attractive they might be, or whatever the scenario may be, we will never be able to match the same levels of dopamine that are released when we're porn for, you know, minutes or hours or whatever it may be. We're just not able to. It makes the whole situation more difficult.

Jake Kastleman (26:05.266)
Exactly.

Jake Kastleman (26:09.534)
And I remember in my teens and twenties, you know, I was under this impression, oh, well, I mean, if it were real sex, that's gonna be so much more stimulating and so much more exciting. And I was shocked when that was not the case. And again, being someone who is not educated in that, and I think so many men are not, Again, something that's not talked about much. And when I learned about...

contextual learning, right? Where we have an arousal template, right? So based on the context of where I'm used to getting aroused, right? Whether it be behind a screen or actually with a real person, that's how my brain learns. So for me, you know, almost 10 years, it was behind a screen. So why would I be able to, you know, achieve that erection and that excitement and arousal with a real person when my brain had been trained?

to do it with a screen. And I just didn't understand that, right? So that was, it was shocking.

Shay Doran (27:12.347)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (27:16.291)
And I think I'd even go a step further with saying our brain, although I need to double check this, but I believe that our brain doesn't know the difference, whether it's a screen or a person in front of us. All that it knows is it's just a level of stimulation. And also when we're watching porn, it's not us in this situation. We're getting off to somebody else having sex.

Jake Kastleman (27:27.55)
Sure, sure.

Jake Kastleman (27:39.122)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep.

Shay Doran (27:41.349)
It's not us having sex, it's somebody else having sex. So the type of sensations, the way that we're training our brain, yeah, it's totally different, but yeah, we're watching, this is, must feel amazing in real life to have this kind of sex, but that's not exactly as you said, it's not how we've been training our brain. We've been training our brain to be in a very safe, comfortable environment and not even us having sex, us getting off to somebody else having sex.

in a fake way, know, most of the guys are injecting their dicks with Viagra before going on to the set.

Jake Kastleman (28:13.544)
Yeah. I actually, well, I suppose I've probably heard that somewhere along the way, but yes, injecting it directly. that right? Goodness sakes. Yeah. Yeah. Not a, yeah. Porn porn is not real, right? It's not real. Yeah.

Shay Doran (28:21.84)
Yeah? Yeah.

Shay Doran (28:29.562)
No. Somebody said to me a few weeks ago, and I really like this analogy, we don't watch a movie like Fast and the Furious or an action movie and then get in our car and go and speed and try and jump off bridges or over ramps or things like that. So why, when we watch porn, do we think that that's how sex is? Because it's a movie.

Jake Kastleman (28:50.322)
Yeah, that's actually a really excellent analogy. I like that. I like that. I like that. So another one of my questions for you, is just to talk a bit more about performance anxiety. You talk about the performance anxiety loop, I think. Can you break down exactly what the loop looks like in real time for a man in the bedroom?

Shay Doran (28:52.966)
Yeah, I realize that.

Shay Doran (29:12.986)
Yeah, sure. So imagine a picture of a loop, a circle, and there's three stages on this loop. So the first stage, one thing we spoke about earlier on, the experience. So we have an experience that doesn't go to plan. And as we're going through this, if you're watching, just see where, if this has felt relatable, see where you think you're at on the loop. And it may be at multiple points. But we've had an experience, first of all, that hasn't gone to plan. So whether that's been recently with a partner,

we couldn't get hired or we lost the erection or came too soon or didn't come at all. Or back as we said in younger years, it may feel like sex things have just never really gone to plan. So that's the experience. Then after, as a result of that experience not going to plan, we start to question ourselves. This is step two on stage two on that loop. So questions like, what if this happens again?

What if I'm broken? What if there's something wrong with me? What if I will never be able to get this sorted? What if I can never satisfy my partner? And then we keep on asking ourselves these questions over and over again because we keep thinking about it. It's a very intense thing to experience. So our mind is on it a lot. It can feel like we're just totally stuck in our head overthinking and it takes up a lot of space in our mind. So then as a result of that, the third stage we get onto is belief.

because we're ourselves something over and over again. So instead of the what if I'm broken, we start to now believe that and we say, am broken. can never, I'll probably never be able to have enjoyable sex again for the rest of my life. My partner probably isn't really fully satisfied. Other men would be able to, other men can do this better. I'm the only one experiencing this. You see all of these statements as beliefs. It's like I am.

this or I am broken, am screwed, I am going to have this for the rest of my life, I will never get this sorted. And then usually what happens is we go back into the experience, right? We want to have intimacy, it's human nature, we want to have sex and connection. So we will then try and either push ourselves back into it. And the same thing happens. And that takes us back to the belief or back to the back to the questions and back to the belief. And we just go round and round and round, or we get to a point where we avoid.

Jake Kastleman (31:06.718)
Mm-hmm.

Jake Kastleman (31:14.462)
Mm-hmm.

Shay Doran (31:29.358)
intimacy as a result of this. We avoid putting ourselves out there or we avoid initiating with our partner because it feels uncomfortable, feels embarrassing, feels awkward. And so we withdraw from that and then we still question ourselves anyway. But this is the loop.

Jake Kastleman (31:49.644)
That's what feels safer at that point, right? I don't have control over this inability that I have to get erections, but at least I can have the control over just stopping this altogether. That will bring me the feeling of safety.

Shay Doran (32:02.958)
Exactly. Exactly that. Yeah, we feel like although it's not what we want, we do it because we feel like it gives us a sense of control. Same with, you know, with watching porn with the guys that I speak to the experience erection challenges or ejaculation challenges that usually don't show up when they're by themselves watching porn. And so it gives us a sense of comfort, safety control to feel like, okay, well, at least I

I'm still okay. I'm still showing to myself that I'm okay because I can get off to porn.

Jake Kastleman (32:35.602)
Yeah, that, it's so interesting you say that because I think that that's something we often don't talk about either is this.

We can almost go to porn as like a way to prove sometimes, right? my body still functions. I still can get an erection. And that's almost a, I mean, within the realm of addiction, would say, you know, pornography addiction, it's like a, it's a justification that a part of our mind can use. It's like, well, I need to prove that everything still works, right? And I remember I had this fear of like a,

I don't know where this came from exactly, but there are a lot of men who've gone through that I've seen, which is a use it or lose it. Like if I don't continue to use it, then it's going to go dormant somehow. It's not going to work anymore, which is this very, it's, it's a, it's a very strange fear. I was going to say a childlike fear. Just it, it's, it's, it doesn't make a lot of sense ultimately, but it feels very real for a lot of guys.

Shay Doran (33:19.911)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (33:24.444)
Yeah.

Shay Doran (33:38.919)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I hear this come up sometimes as well. I need to be having sex with as many people as possible whilst I've still got it. I think the route, if I was to think of where the route is for that, it's self-esteem issue. It's that we are not feeling a sense of internal strength about our identity, so we're seeking validation from external sources to make us feel like we're good enough.

Jake Kastleman (33:53.086)
Mm, okay, yeah.

Shay Doran (34:06.898)
basically and I have a short amount of time to be able to prove to myself that I'm good enough by validation from others, sex with others or watching porn, whatever it may be, to show that I've still got it is because there's a part of us that feels like it's missing. That nobody, by the way, can ever fulfill for us because we can only fulfill that for ourself through the work, through self understanding, what we spoke about right at the very beginning.

Jake Kastleman (34:27.24)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (34:33.138)
I love that you say that too, because it's interesting when I think back on my life and like, okay, I lost that concern and that worry at some point it went away. And obviously coming off of porn made a huge difference. I also, the overall increase of my self-esteem, my feeling of meaning, enjoying my life, of connection, of, you I matter, I'm doing things in my life that I like and I like who I am. I think that belief dissipated.

as that sense of esteem and meaning in my life increased. That makes sense, yeah.

Shay Doran (35:08.306)
Yeah, it makes sense because it's, I think when we go on the journey, something so fundamental like cutting out porn or actually getting erection challenges sorted or performance anxiety sorted, it requires us to go deeper within ourself, right? To explore within ourself. It takes a certain kind of guy to step away from the norm of thinking, everybody watches porn or...

just I'm not going to deal with this issue even though I know that it's not good for me. It takes a certain kind of guy because it requires them to go to a certain level of depth of new understanding about themselves. With that comes so much freedom and autonomy, a new direction in life, you know, but it can be very difficult to see that at the time. But it's about trusting the

If there's a question, if we're asking a question around does something doesn't feel right or how often I'm watching this or am I watching it too much or I know I need to get this sorted, it's really important that we just follow the cool, let's say, to get that sorted because basically I believe it means that we're ready for a...

deeper level of transformation. If I'd never had issues with porn or with sex, there's no way that I would understand the amount that I do about myself today. There's no way that I'd have the kind of life that I have built for myself today because everything was so surface level before. You I thought I had everything figured out, but actually I had no idea how far away from myself I had got.

Jake Kastleman (36:46.003)
Yes.

Jake Kastleman (36:55.72)
Exactly. think it's, you know, I describe it as a signal. know, addiction is just this signal that our mind and our body are giving to us. Hey, something's out of balance or a lot of things are out of balance. They're not right. Things are going wrong. And I'm trying to, it's like our mind is trying to take care of the deeper inner needs completely unsuccessfully through the addiction, but it's this signal.

Shay Doran (37:20.199)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (37:24.638)
I think of it like our mind and body says, I need your help. I need you to take, to use your autonomy, your agency to make changes so that my mind and body can be cared for. And actually I can start to experience joy because without that signal, we will make that change. If everything's going fine, there's no reason. So we often delay those changes so long until the point where we're just.

we're so far off course, like a fish swimming in water.

Shay Doran (37:59.89)
Yeah, and we lose sight of ourself. We lose sight of who we are and what we love and what makes us feel alive. Those things slowly can die out when we're not listening to ourself.

Jake Kastleman (38:12.742)
Yeah, and a couple episodes ago, by the time this launches, don't know what it'll be, episode 121, I think it was, I talked about embodiment on the podcast and just how technology disembodies us. Where we are living, we're not really living inside of our bodies. We're just kind of this head that's experiencing entertainment and stimulation. And if it's pornography,

Shay Doran (38:30.088)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (38:42.802)
We are also simultaneously, would say, especially if we're addicted, we are traumatizing ourselves. It's self-inflicted trauma. Much like someone who's an abuse victim, I'm abusing my mind and body. I'm using it for excessive pleasure and this isolated experience where I'm detaching from reality. And I come out feeling more isolated and horrible than ever before. And I hate myself for doing it. And I feel horribly, terribly ashamed. So in order for my body to cope with that,

my mind and body kind of detached from one another more and more and more until I'm kind of just this head. Jason Portnoy, one of the guys I'm connected with wrote a book called Silicon Valley Porn Star, really great book where he talks about all his journey of porn and sex addiction. And he describes himself like he was a head sitting on top of a body. He's like, I didn't, I really just didn't notice or feel anything in my body. I was just.

consuming, right, and doing without really being inside of my body. Yeah.

Shay Doran (39:48.757)
Yeah. Yeah. I totally relatable, Um, with the guys that I speak with, whether it's erections, performance anxiety, it's this disconnection. What often comes up where I see this the most, because it's the same experience, but I think slightly different to porn, where I see this the most is we're putting ourselves in sexual situations that we don't actually enjoy. They don't actually turn us on because we don't actually know anymore what

turns us on. Now we may think, of course I do. I just want to be having sex more often, or I want to be, I want to be doing some different positions, but this is the mechanical act of sex. What we really want is better sex actually, which is the erotic, which is the mind and body connected because it's about the senses. The thinking about it is one thing, but it's about

Jake Kastleman (40:19.582)
Mmm.

Jake Kastleman (40:38.206)
you

Shay Doran (40:42.726)
How do I, the touch, the taste, the sounds, the smell, it's this depth, this level of depth that we can only have when we truly feel more connected with our body and understand what we want. And so whether it's through porn issues or whether it's through ignoring, not dealing with bedroom challenges that are coming up, yeah, we get more and more disconnected and we, it's almost like our...

Is the ego perhaps speaking at that time or just we're just driven by what we think we need rather than truly feeling ourselves. I can't tell you like now honestly after getting this sorted myself and I'm sure it's similar for you as well how much better sex feels.

Jake Kastleman (41:18.558)
Yeah.

Jake Kastleman (41:29.458)
Right. Yeah.

Shay Doran (41:29.872)
Because it's so much now it has so much depth to it for me in terms of you know for one of a better word I mean like depth of experience right there It feels so rich and I never never whilst I was going through this issues with porn issues with sex for validation It was transactional everything felt so transactional even watching porn. I did that to meet a need You know where it's now it's like

Jake Kastleman (41:38.898)
Sure, yeah, yeah.

Shay Doran (42:00.735)
There's just endless possibilities with intimacy and that feels amazing. And it's totally possible to get to that point.

Jake Kastleman (42:08.274)
And I think it's so easy. So a lot of the guys who listen to my podcast have more of a conservative or Christian background upbringing, know, current way they live, right? I'm Christian as well. It's so easy for us to label something like eroticism as sinful or bad or negative, right? And I often tell my clients when they, cause they form this relationship, this very hateful, disdainful relationship with the sexual parts of them.

And I mean, physical, I'm talking, you know, mental, emotional, right? Even spiritual. And what I suggest to them is the core of that part, one of its greatest gifts is sensuality, right? Or eroticism, like you're saying. The senses, as you said. This is not just sexuality. It's being present. It's experiencing. It's being in the moment. It's enjoying things of the senses and really

getting into that experience, right? And if I demonize sexuality, right? Or I am filled, loaded with shame about sexuality in general and about this whole experience and it's so negative and painful for me, it's gonna impact every area of my life. And so then by healing in those areas and that can impact my sexuality and vice versa, I would say as well.

Shay Doran (43:36.531)
Yeah, yep. you know, whilst I'm not, I'm more spiritual as opposed to Christian or Catholic myself, but I spoke to a guy, Eric Feltes, who's a coach working with men who've experienced religious shame a few weeks ago. I think actually he was the one who gave me that analogy of the Fast and Furious movie. And so this is his area. And a couple of things that he said that really stood out to me was that,

Jake Kastleman (43:56.274)
Yeah, yeah.

Shay Doran (44:02.516)
Sin, the definition of sin is to miss the mark and what God or Jesus wants for us is to love ourself, love thyself, right? And so if we're shaming this one part of us that is natural, it is part of us, then technically we're missing the mark because we're not embracing part of us that...

Jake Kastleman (44:19.454)
That's right.

Shay Doran (44:25.448)
It's one thing what we learn and what we see about sex, yes, and what we're told, but the actual experience of connection, depth, of building tension, it's beautiful thing.

Jake Kastleman (44:39.966)
Exactly. And we cannot exile any part of us without... If I exile the sexual part of me and I move towards that sexual anorexia, as you were saying earlier, where it's like, look, I can't even deal with any of this. I'm just going to stop having a relationship with this part of myself at all. Then I exile that entire part of my psyche. I try to stuff it down and suppress it, which means...

my ability to be presence and to be sensual and to enjoy the moment and to be in all these things and and to adventure and things like that that are really so important to my happiness as a human being.

Shay Doran (45:20.06)
Yeah, and I believe as well, eroticism, it's broader than just sex, right? When it's about feeling alive, ultimately, I think that's what it comes down to. And when we're stuck behind a screen, or when we're avoiding dealing with things because it's more comfortable to be doing the research behind a screen, we are disconnecting from our aliveness.

And aliveness isn't a screen, it's not a movie, it's experiences, experiencing things, working through challenges, overcoming difficulties, feeling vulnerable. These are the things that make us feel alive. And so I believe a big part of eroticism is how alive are we with ourselves?

You know, what are the things that make us alive, make us feel alive and how disconnected or connected are we from that in our life right now?

Jake Kastleman (46:14.472)
Yeah, and I often say if I don't consciously choose to include that part of me, right, the risk taking and the adventuring and the eroticism of life and being in the moment, if I don't consciously choose to integrate that into my life, it will show up unconsciously. It will show up in a way that is destructive, right, and is harming my life. I must consciously choose to integrate it in ways that I want to.

Otherwise it has to be involved somehow. yeah, yeah. That would be pornography addiction, right? Would be one of those ways that it's gonna involve itself. Yeah.

Shay Doran (46:46.143)
That's right. Yeah, it doesn't disappear.

Shay Doran (46:54.057)
Yep, pornography addiction, being in more of a platonic relationship rather than an actual romantic relationship, avoiding issues, health problems it can manifest into many different ways, but it will show up. Yeah, I agree.

Jake Kastleman (47:01.95)
Mm.

Jake Kastleman (47:09.416)
Yes, health problems, yeah, mind, body, they're connected. Well, Shay, I love this man. It's just fantastic to have you on. We could talk about this for another hour easily. Yes, I'll have to have you on again in the future, man. And just thank you for coming on, for being vulnerable and open and talking about something that's so personal and important for so many men. I'm sure it's been helpful. So thanks for being here,

Shay Doran (47:19.711)
I feel like easily we could just keep going for another hour, yeah.

Shay Doran (47:36.915)
Yeah, thank you very much for having me. I also just want to say that I...

Jake Kastleman (47:42.054)
Yes, and I will ask the question as well. If someone wants to get in touch with you, right, and work with you, that's maybe what you're about to say, but how do they get in touch with you?

Shay Doran (47:50.965)
No, I was actually about to say thank you to you for being vulnerable as well because I was going to say I want to say thank you to you because I think the more guys that can openly speak about this, challenges in the bedroom, challenges in our intimate life, it's brave. It takes courage to do it. I understand that myself and I can relate to how that must have felt for you as well. And so...

I'm giving a pat on the back for doing this for men, know, and being open about it and transparent about it.

Jake Kastleman (48:26.206)
Well, thanks, Shay. I appreciate that, And if somebody does want to get in touch with you, to work with you, how can they do that? Where can they go? And I'll definitely put links in the show notes, but tell people where they can go.

Shay Doran (48:35.007)
Cool. Yeah.

I think a couple of things, this is resonated, if it's felt like, yeah, this feels like what's going on for me right now, then YouTube, so I have a lot of videos on there. Each week I'll put a new video up. So that's my name, Shay Dash Doran on YouTube. Equally, I will send over to a link to put in the description for something that I call the Performance Anxiety Quiz, which is basically 10 very simple yes or no questions, a free quiz that guys can take to understand what is actually going on for them. Is it performance anxiety or something?

else because we have to get away from this trap of the generic information just endless watching videos and reading articles because it's not specific to us personally so we have to understand what's going on for us personally to get this sorted and the quiz will help with that.

Jake Kastleman (49:23.806)
Love it, That's awesome. We'll put the links in the show notes so guys can get access to that quiz. And thanks again, man.

Shay Doran (49:30.739)
Thank you, Jake.